walls

Why do we get attacked?
You never know. You can be out there, being yourself, and suddely…it’s there.
That one moment that makes your life crumble to pieces, that one wrong person at the wrong place, at the wrong time and in the wrong mood, and suddenly…it’s there.

You got up that morning thinking that it was going to be a wonderful day to be you, to finally turn your life around, to become more popular, more interesting, more succesful, to follow your dreams. You enthusiastically start making your bed and preparing yourself for the perfect day ahead, go out and suddenly…it’s there.

That horrible realization, hitting you like a freight train, that you are not safe and never will be, that there is no home or a secure space in the universe, nothing can keep you from exactly what is happening to you right now. This is horrible. This has to stop. Why did humanity even invent an ability so excruciating to utilize against each other? How can you stop this? Quick, how do you defend yourself? Okay, what do people always say? Attack is the best defense! Go for them! Give it all you have! Use those emotions against them! Show them what they are doing to you!…
Well that didn’t work out. How could you be so incredibly unable to defend yourself? How did you come to that stupid idea, that exposing your emotions was going to help it? Good job, really, not only feeling like their victim, but straight up letting them know it too. And that was your defense tactic? Most pathetic thing ever!
Waking up right now feels horrible, because from now on, every day could be the worst day of your life. Why go out of the house when there is so much evil awaiting you? Why get in contact with people when all they want to do is just to hurt, abuse and humiliate you?

Quickly, you need a new defense tactic. What do people do when their attacks just lead them into horrendous counters? Maybe defense is the best defense! You need a wall.  A wall to build your own safe space, the only place in the universe where you can feel safe again.  A wall as high and thick as you can built it.. A wall to hide any weak point behind, anything that can be attacked or exploited, any soft spot or insecurity has to stay behind this wall. You have to stay behind that wall. Have fun trying to attack this fortress you idiots, it’s absolutely bullet proof!

Now you sit there, in your fortress of solitude, and enjoy your safety. No surprise attacks, no sneaky counters, no more judging or laughing. It’s just you with anyone you trust in the whole wide world, so basically you and yourself. It’s so peaceful that you can freely let your mind wander and let you be you. In this peaceful surrounding, you can calmly and rationally design pictures of yourself. Pictures that you can sculpt exactly to the expectation the person has of you, whom you show the picture. You can calmly sit behind your wall and relax while everyone who talks to you is talking to the picture you have drawn of yourself for them, that you can hang at the outside of your wall. Noone will notice that they are basically talking to a mirror, just throwing their expectations back at them. Everyone likes you because you will always seem to be like everyone wants you to be, and no one will ever have a reason to attack you ever again. And if they did, they would just be attacking a picture that barely has anything to do with you, as much as it has to do with them. They can take it down, rip it apart, attack it with all the power they have, they won’t ever realize that the are merely attacking a mannequin.

As your mind wanders in the seemingly infinite freedom inside your walls, you discover the one and fatal downfall they have while standing strong at the same time. Walls don’t have doors. They do exactly what they are built to do. They don’t let anything past them, neither inside them, nor outside of them. And so, you suddenly realize the fatal price you have to pay for your security. No one can ever get past this wall that has been built to never let anyone through, not even the people you want to be able to come to you. You will be completely isolated since everyone who is trying to talk to you is unknowingly talking to mannequins you posted outside of you walls. None of your real emotions will ever be visible. None of the emotions others have will ever come through to you. You will suddenly find yourself inside of a world you can never accurately communicate with. You will experience terrible misconceptions and delusions, miscommunications and misunderstandings because noone can understand someone that they can’t truly communicate with. You will always wonder how people could just walk all over you without realizing what you truly want. As you will experience these downsides, you will soon recognize that you haven’t built a fortress, you have built a prison.

So how do you escape a prison you have built yourself? (Except for being a good movie idea by the way,) this is an incredibly challenging thing to do. As it is with every problem, realizing that it is one is the most important step. Consequently, the process of tearing down your walls is met with a lot of resistance because in the instance you think about it, you suddenly expose yourself to this big bad world that is just out there to hurt you, so that the fear inevitably returns. What if people don’t like the real you? Isn’t it a lot more comfortable to be liked by everyone?
Of course it is! But who is the person everyone likes?
It’s a mere reflection of what they would want to see in a person that they would like. So at no point in time did anyone like you if they don’t know the real you. Inevitably, you are going to ask yourself if it’s more important to you to be authentic and vulnerable, or artificial and safe in your prison. Is it better to be attacked for who you are than to be liked for who you’re not? Admitting the answers to these questions to yourself is true authenticity in my eyes, which makes life afterwards incredibly simple. There are two kinds of persons you are going to meet after accepting yourself for who you are, those who like you and those who don’t, which doesn’t indicaten anything other than wheter these people should be in your life. As profane as it sounds, this is as effective as it is difficoult, but so damn worth the true freedom and certainty it brings along with it.

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